We'll all be lucky if he sees 14


Again I sit alone, lonely and sad. Alone because the boyfriend decided not to come over after all tonight. I told him earlier he was off the hook if he wasn't feeling well, but that was before the sad part. Lonely 'cause I've got no money to go anywhere, and all I'm doing is biting the kids faces off because of the sad part. Sad...because my son is 13. He's likely bipolar...everyone I know who's read The Explosive Child and has one of their own has told me to read it and learn. I'm afraid to, actually. I get the call last night telling me to tell Gram to stop yelling at him. Turns out she was yelling because he made his own little sparkler setup and was trying to light it. With matches. In the neighbor's yard. Sigh.....when I confronted him with it tonight and grounded him, the screaming started. And not from me. I just continued to make my little WW friendly fat free cheese and whole wheat pita pizzas. And I did not rise to the occasion as he raised his voice, or refused to go to his room. Finally he calmed, and got the fuck out of my face. This is good, because I have no idea how much longer I could have lasted. Probably three seconds, give or take two. And sad because even though I'm broke, apparently I make too much to be eligible for a Pell grant. I want to finish my degree. I want to finish something in this fucking life.

The boyfriend. I do love him, and I know he loves me. So what's the problem? Tonight I didn't want to be alone....like I didn't want to be alone the last time...and the time before that...but I am. Well, thank God for the laptop. I'm sitting here indian-style (remember when they called it that? Wonder what Imus would say today...heh) anyway....me and one of the cats, smoking butts, drinking a Limon and diet, and listening to XM 70's music through the tv. Wow.No wonder I'm frigging depressed.....lol. Oh, and the dulcet tones of my girl torturing the cat from downstairs.

He just doesn't think. Not very sensitive. I'm tired of being the tough one who can handle things. I'm tired of only being wanted when I'm wanted...and never needed. He likes alone time when he's down. I really don't. And I like to be heard. And considered. I didn't need him to be here all night, but an hour or two would have let me know he heard. :(