We'll all be lucky if he sees 14


Again I sit alone, lonely and sad. Alone because the boyfriend decided not to come over after all tonight. I told him earlier he was off the hook if he wasn't feeling well, but that was before the sad part. Lonely 'cause I've got no money to go anywhere, and all I'm doing is biting the kids faces off because of the sad part. Sad...because my son is 13. He's likely bipolar...everyone I know who's read The Explosive Child and has one of their own has told me to read it and learn. I'm afraid to, actually. I get the call last night telling me to tell Gram to stop yelling at him. Turns out she was yelling because he made his own little sparkler setup and was trying to light it. With matches. In the neighbor's yard. Sigh.....when I confronted him with it tonight and grounded him, the screaming started. And not from me. I just continued to make my little WW friendly fat free cheese and whole wheat pita pizzas. And I did not rise to the occasion as he raised his voice, or refused to go to his room. Finally he calmed, and got the fuck out of my face. This is good, because I have no idea how much longer I could have lasted. Probably three seconds, give or take two. And sad because even though I'm broke, apparently I make too much to be eligible for a Pell grant. I want to finish my degree. I want to finish something in this fucking life.

The boyfriend. I do love him, and I know he loves me. So what's the problem? Tonight I didn't want to be alone....like I didn't want to be alone the last time...and the time before that...but I am. Well, thank God for the laptop. I'm sitting here indian-style (remember when they called it that? Wonder what Imus would say today...heh) anyway....me and one of the cats, smoking butts, drinking a Limon and diet, and listening to XM 70's music through the tv. Wow.No wonder I'm frigging depressed.....lol. Oh, and the dulcet tones of my girl torturing the cat from downstairs.

He just doesn't think. Not very sensitive. I'm tired of being the tough one who can handle things. I'm tired of only being wanted when I'm wanted...and never needed. He likes alone time when he's down. I really don't. And I like to be heard. And considered. I didn't need him to be here all night, but an hour or two would have let me know he heard. :(

It's been awhile.....


Jethro and I are still a thing. I love him, he loves me....things are things. He just had neck surgery...scared me half to death. He's on the mend though, and I look forward to him being...ah...fully recovered and off of the painkillers. We bought a Harley that neither of us can afford. I started smoking again. I was in a car accident that fucked my back up further and forced me to get rid of the minivan. 22 year old bitch driving the other car had NO insurance. Driving a 2002 car, with auto insurance cancelled for non-payment. At least I sleep better at night knowing that the dumbass will never again see a car loan. It's not much, but it's something....

I'm broke. Really, really, like rent was 10 days late and cell bill is something I'm going to have to zig and zag on. My roots are showing and my hair looks like hell. Most of my clothes are stained or ripped in one way or another. And my chiropractor and another of his patients treated me to a conversation about buying vacation homes and a 2.2 mil fully furnished manse that the other guy on the heating pad has to sell. Go into the kitchen here at work and the discussion is all about college....I can't afford that...somewhat thankful that my son is a bit of an ...ahem...underachiever. Trade school....that's the route for him. So. I've been on the verge of tears, if not actively crying, for a couple of days now.

I'm rambling....the Bailey's in my desk drawer is seeming like not the worst idea ever. We do have coffee in the kitchen.

OK. So I lied.

I haven't given up - I've become more jaded. If I could stop overanalyzing the hell out of everything, though - that would be a LARGE plus. My bosslady called me in to her office yesterday to ask if I'm ok. Obviously, I was not. However, I did tell her I'm on the upswing. And I really feel like I am. She told me that this company is committed to helping me with my career....and that the intent of my up and coming new position is that I will not have to work a 2nd job anymore. WOOOHOOOO! I am on day 2 sans Attivan....and think I just might live through this. I should be relatively used to the panic attacks...but I guess maybe not.

Wish me luck...I'm hoping to get my endorphins in a bunch tonight. ;)

That lady with all the chihuahuas and cats

I guess Timmy Tim was right....no one will ever put up with my shit...or my crazy family. It's nice that outsiders want to offer me advice on how to be nicer, gentler, less nuts...or whatever. What none of them know is that I started giving up a long time ago. On happiness, peace, you name it, I'm all set. I'm seriously going to start planning my funeral instead of a wedding....my supply of dealbreakers is endless. At least I KNOW I'm going to die. Maybe I'll order a Konditormeister, and get a bouncy clown for the kids. Something for everyone...lol.

I'm very sad today. Bypassed slightly off and melancholy...and went straight to woe is me. I know three months isn't the longest time in the world. But I honestly have feelings that I haven't had before...like...maybe he's the REAL DEAL. Then, my true self shows itself in an interaction with my mother, and there you go. He didn't want the house key even BEFORE....so I have no one to blame but myself.

Bottom line - I don't feel as if I'm allowed to feel badly....or make mistakes. Since everyone's so good at calling me out on this crap....I'm going into hiding or something.

I'm too tired and weepy to work the 2nd job tonight. Maybe I can get the kids to start eating less....

When you get your period for New Year's, you should really expect this kind of thing, I suppose....

• Lesson One - Say it with me....EAT before you drink. Got it? OK. I thought I understood this too. But. Yeah. Good times, good times.....

• Lesson Two - find a drink you like and stick with it. Mixing = bad
  


• Lesson Three - Do not EVER open a bottle of wine after completely disregarding rules one and two.
  
• Lesson Four - If you completely ignore rules one through three - at least don't chug the wine.
  
  
  Following these simple rules MAY keep you from falling down a flight of stairs at your boyfriend's house. Maybe. Not much more embarrassing than facing him on one side and his brother on the other with a broom and dustpan, cleaning up the wineglass that you...no...okay...I broke. Happy New Year....looks like it's gonna be a doozy.
  
  
  
  Found this nifty piece of journalism:
  

DrunkHangover Advice

The National Headache Foundation just sent over some handy hangover tips for the holiday
weekend:

• If you choose to drink alcohol, do so in moderation. (ha ha, good one!)

• Eat some honey. I have never heard of this, but apparently if you eat a little honey before you start drinking it does some kind of chem-y shit that’s helpful. Huh.

• Drink fluids containing minerals and salts. If you’re too weak from your hangover to do this yourself, con someone who tolerates you into flipping a boullion cube into some hot water. Drink it. It will replace some of the minerals (unfortunately brain cells are not minerals) your body is deprived of without making you want to throw up any more than you already do. Gatorade’s
good too. Or just do what I did in college and use Gatorade as your mixer. Genius!

• Drink a cup of coffee. First thing when you wake up.

• Take ibuprofen. Better than asprin.

• Alternate non-alcoholic beverages with alcoholic beverages. Yes, well, we can try, I suppose.

• Eat greasy food before consuming alcohol. Ew.

I prefer hangover advice that involves spooky breakfast drink recipes that call for clamato juice and such. What are your tried and true methods?

My personal favorite hangover helper? Greasy things and chocolate milk. Mmmmm.

*****By the way....if anyone is reading this that DOESN'T know me personally...a little info to fill in some blanks:

I broke up with The Wrong One finally. We hadn't had a relationship in ...well...ever, in hindsight. Although not loving the Dixie Chicks political stances/shoutouts/inappropriateness - I do have to hand this one to them. See the song - There's Your Trouble:

Should have been different, but

It wasn't different, was it

Same old story

Dear John and so long

Should have fit like a glove

Should have fit like a ring

Like a Diamond ring

Token of true Love

And later in the song - my advice to anyone that is in the position I was not too long ago:

Why don't you cash in your chips

Why don't you call in a loss

Not such a big loss

Chalk it up better luck

And I am now in a relationship with the big guy referred to several posts ago. I am happy to report that the butterflies are still there, and thriving. Thus far, he has put up with me completely shitfaced twice, and quitting smoking. (I have now been a nonsmoker for one month and one week, btw) I do solemnly swear to try to behave better more often. (Have no fear, I'm not shooting for a pair of wings, here...just less of an...ahem...embarrassment....lol) I am utterly and completely smitten with this man. In love, even.